still burning

Why does it hurt so bad is it you or am I the source of my own pain?  We go through life wanting to be better and sometimes we realized that for the step we thought we took ahead, we really just took two steps back.

 

what do I want? what did I want and am I really ready for what I need so badly.  Like the air I breathe I need to know that I can count on you.  I need to know that you are always there even when I push you away.  But am I? am I here when you push me away.  When I am impulsive and act recklessly do I want you to look pass than and see the scared child buried beneath the courage and the self-protective mechanisms? Yes but do I do that for you Judge not least he chose to be judged but the bar is so high and I judge you against your imperfections, against your mistakes against the times when you are not able to defeat your self, your fears, your past your default.  I am not able to.

 

I expect a certain freedom with you, one that is not going to battle with my past yet that is not possible because you battle your own past and see some of those scars in me as I see some of my scars in you.  How many times does this happen? How many time should it happen? why not just give up walk away and stay away.  That is so hard once you have been exposed to the possibility of what could be.  A coward dies a thousand deaths and a soldier dies but once, yet I keep killing you and you keep killing me. We are cowards wanting to be soldiers with no plan on how to accomplish this just a desire of wanting the end results.  the freedom from dying repeatedly, the courage to die just once.

 

Where do we go from here, is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?.  Could not having loved at all ever be more painful than loving and lost?  unanswered questions, my brain can not even begin to process it has been robbed from naivety.  Now it knows what love looks, feels, taste and smell like when it is lost.

 

I have no where to run to no where to hide, you are all over me , you are inside me, you are around me you are with me although you are away from me.  I am crushed by me, my you by love by believing that it was possible, by realizing that its not.  

 

 

 

 

 

letting it burn

I am sad yet my reasons are unclear.  We just broke up and I am sad because I am feeling what that really feels like.  I  am stuck in a place where I wan to look back and forward and the same time but I cant, life wont let me. 

 

Is this where I have my regrets, my sorrows my how could I have been so stupid’s? well it is just a place of torment.  They say in time I will reflect and see how much I grew and that this was just another experience I had to get through but I can’t see it.  I am blind, I can t see the day when this could all be a memory that does not pull on my heart strings.  I cant see when this will be just another frame of reference in a conversation, I cant see when there will start to be more conversations because in this moment I can see.  I am blind.

 

This moment too shall pass but it isn’t passing it is lingering, punishing me for the hope and the desires I convince myself was a possibility.  I am being punished for looking ahead for tempting fate to be different that the past, for believing that there was a possibility that it could be.  This is love and yes I know now that I am capable of it but was it worth being? 

 

how do I how do I how do I make it stop, the pain the sadness the sharp blades eating away at me.  Were my highs worth my lows? were my joys worth my pains, were my sorrows worth what could have been? I do not hold the key to what could have been all there is now is what was, what is and what never will be?

 

How do I make it stop, how do I stop it, how do I walk away from the hopes the possibilities the one in a million chance.  What question do I ask myself to fell worthy to feel as if I could some how control what is happening to me, what has happened to me, I feel like I cant even control what will happened in my next breath or my next thought.  it has already been predetermined that my next breath will be a sigh and my next thought will be a sad one, one that will lead to another and another which will then lead to tears.

 

Tears running down my face pointlessly, they do not fix anything they just remind me that I am human and as such I am not exempt form pain, despair or sadness.  iuse to be able to feel you now I cant even feel myself, so disconnected, so confused so unsure of everything that was is and may be.

 

The first day of the rest of my life

how do i say goodbye to what we had, its seem next to impossible but here i am, faced with what i feared the most us being over.  I cant eat cant sleep cant breathe the same.  Everything i thought is now in question.  there is no place to hide, everything and everywhere reminds me of you, of us of what we once were and what we could have been.

 

My heart hurts it literally aches wondering when the pain will subside.  I am experiencing small moments of eternity.  Tiny sharp blades piercing my heart.  I am feeling every memory rush through me wanting today to me my yesterday but yesterday is gone and now there is only today and what i fear will be tomorrow.

 

When is love ever right for you to me it seems like it is always wrong , wrong and harsh, harsh and spiteful restricted not free.  Right now it seems as if I am frozen in time, there is no space and no distance the clock wont tick, the clock wont tick.  How I long to hear a tock to remind me that this too like time will pass but the clock wont tick and these are moments without seconds or minutes or hours just tiny fragments of eternity every breath harsher than the last one.

 

If only I could breathe again smell the flowers outside see the four walls as walls not as a prison that I am unable to free myself from.  I am tired and I am weary, I am flat and broken into pieces.  I  have my freedom now you no longer hold my air yet i cant remember what was it that made me feel trapped, what was it that made me bang on the walls of us, the walls of where we were trying to be; the wall of the place that we have danced to so many times watching  from a distance while feeling so up close.

 

there was suppose to be a space carved out in the universe for just us, one that we could always run back to and be safe one which we would always allow each other to reach the other, now that space seems non existent that space seems dark, that space i dont know if i only could imagined.

 

love is not easy but is it suppose to hurt, is this how it feels when part of you die slowly you can t eat you cant breathe you cant do anything but just hope for the tick and the tocks of a clock which froze time and pain locked in one strand.