letting it burn

I am sad yet my reasons are unclear.  We just broke up and I am sad because I am feeling what that really feels like.  I  am stuck in a place where I wan to look back and forward and the same time but I cant, life wont let me. 

 

Is this where I have my regrets, my sorrows my how could I have been so stupid’s? well it is just a place of torment.  They say in time I will reflect and see how much I grew and that this was just another experience I had to get through but I can’t see it.  I am blind, I can t see the day when this could all be a memory that does not pull on my heart strings.  I cant see when this will be just another frame of reference in a conversation, I cant see when there will start to be more conversations because in this moment I can see.  I am blind.

 

This moment too shall pass but it isn’t passing it is lingering, punishing me for the hope and the desires I convince myself was a possibility.  I am being punished for looking ahead for tempting fate to be different that the past, for believing that there was a possibility that it could be.  This is love and yes I know now that I am capable of it but was it worth being? 

 

how do I how do I how do I make it stop, the pain the sadness the sharp blades eating away at me.  Were my highs worth my lows? were my joys worth my pains, were my sorrows worth what could have been? I do not hold the key to what could have been all there is now is what was, what is and what never will be?

 

How do I make it stop, how do I stop it, how do I walk away from the hopes the possibilities the one in a million chance.  What question do I ask myself to fell worthy to feel as if I could some how control what is happening to me, what has happened to me, I feel like I cant even control what will happened in my next breath or my next thought.  it has already been predetermined that my next breath will be a sigh and my next thought will be a sad one, one that will lead to another and another which will then lead to tears.

 

Tears running down my face pointlessly, they do not fix anything they just remind me that I am human and as such I am not exempt form pain, despair or sadness.  iuse to be able to feel you now I cant even feel myself, so disconnected, so confused so unsure of everything that was is and may be.